Hi, I’m Marcel. Degrees in physical anthro and marine biology. Jobless and living on an inheritance until it inevitable runs out later this year. I’m 27.
So, I proposed marriage to a friend last night again. She’s american and she was talking about how she feels detached and doesn’t have anyone nearby that she can or cares to talk to about what she’s thinking. I told her she could move with me to Dijon and we could find a little place outside the city.
She’s slightly considering it and told me she’d call me if she wanted to run away one day.
I met her when I was visiting my cousin in California. We were out at a horribly tacky “irish” pub in one of the beach cities on a Saturday. American beach girls are the absolute worst. Sorry, comrads! As a foreigner, I was completely expecting the ideal california dreamin’ kind of girls but holy jesus fuck, all of them were awful. Pretty but empty. Trying to hard to be hot and failing miserably. Why would you get a fake tan when you live by the beach? If it wasn’t the awful beach girl, it was the hipster girl with too many feathers dangling from her neck or ears or wherever the hell those things attached trying to act like she was one with the planet she knows nothing about. Then finally, the clean girl with the short hair, model figure, and vintagy style who looked angelic but was boring and bossy. So, after having been in the states for a week and having gone out every night, I gave up on meeting anyone actually worth talking to. Everytime I talked to one of those girls, they would just tell me I was cute or would try to get me to their house and then hate me or call me gay when I said no.
So anyway, saturday night, tacky bar beach club: a woman wearing a dress, pretty sweater, and squeaky shoes comes up to me and tell me she likes my scarf. She notices my accent and begins speaking perfect french with me as she blamed her fluency on the fact that her friends had forced her to get completely wasted. We ended up walking around and talking for hours. She talked to me about everything with confidence but without a drop of pretentiousness. I couldn’t stop thinking about how wonderfully rare and interesting she was. As the night went on, she got prettier. I went back to Frankfurt and came back a few times here and there to visit… a few of those times, I got to make love to her… it. was. awesome. ;)
I got to know her very well through video chats and our long conversations. I wanted to date her but she declined after I flew into a few jealous rages over her having male friends. (I KNOW I’M AN IDIOT)
After we had our conversation recently, I was thinking about all of the things she’s told me about. Her lovers and ordeals. Her triumphs and downfalls. I realized that she’s only 24 and has stories that would put that old lady from Titanic to shame.
I’ve always seen americans men as, pardon my french, rather weak when it comes do dating(i know i’ll get shit for saying that.) But she only furthers my point. Thats what this post is about. So, she is very easy on the eyes and every time I see her I swear she has this glow around her just made of glory and prettiness that only seems to grow.
This girl has gone through some shit too! When she speaks, it’s so matter of fact. About the physically dangerous things and the emotionally dangerous as well. How the fuck is she so positive and how the fuck does she have this passion for life that you see in no one anymore? I’ve heard her stories and issues she’s had with lovers as friends(in her case usually the same people). She says these things tend to happen with her closest friends because she likes to feel comfortable and loved, even if it’s not a romantic love. I asked her if these experiences ever amounted to anything. Nope. Why the fuck not? I’ll tell you why. This woman defends these friends of hers to no end but you know what, what kind of stupid men are you friends with? If after years of being friends with you, something happened between us(and we lived in the same country), I’d hold on to you and do my best to make you want to stay. Maybe not 6 years ago. 6 years ago, I would have been afraid of what might happen if I let myself like you. I don’t care anymore. I try my best to be a man these days.
I don’t understand how anyone could resist nursing the notion of being with you if they had that window. I was intimidated by your intelligence and spunk when I met you, of course… but I’m not stupid. I miss you and love you and my offer still stands if you want to get the fuck away from California and the miscreants who would rather have an accessory of a girlfriend on their arm over someone like you. I don’t understand how that’s possible, but there you have it.
I’ll tell you why she scares you so much: she has, quite literally, had her heart broken. Not just in the western romantic sense and not just a break-up… ACTUAL heart-break that I believe most people in their lives don’t fully experience. With all of these extra-sensory add-ons in our lives telling us what we want, who we want, which movie we want to watch, and which phone we need to have, true capability of human emotion is fleeting. So, it’s rare when you meet someone like her. I have spent half of my life in France and half of my life in Germany. I recently returned from a 3 month trip to Moscow and I’ll tell you something, it’s not just the United States. We love to make fun of Americans but she’s american, and she’s the only decent person I’ve met in a long time. The beauty of the human soul is dying everywhere.
But not for her. That’s why she scares you and that’s why you’ll never deserve her…
But most of all, she scares you because, she knows she can survive.